New Moon in Virgo ☾ I Am Here and I Am Listening
Cards: Dear Forest/SHADOWS, Early Riser/ENERGY, Sit Spot/SURRENDER
In presence, I surrender to the shadows.
I am not left behind. I am an innovator from the outer planets, here to win wars with less swords. I know not enough to think beyond what I think I know. Nothing is working where it hurts like this. This hurt is like nothing hurt should be, feel or fear. This is ancient pain that I know enough of. For in remembering my ancient power, I must remember my ancient pain. I must accept what has happened to me and what I lack control over.
I am helpless to defeat this pain alone. The only way past is through and I must accept. I must throw my hands up to God and exclaim I DO NOT KNOW. I pray for your grace to return to my body. In the face of what has been done to me and what I have done to myself I am helpless. I am witness to unbearable delusion and scathing injustice. THIS IS WHAT IS. There is no where to run or hide. THIS IS WHAT IS.
To surrender to you feels weak but it is strong. This familiar web of lies and resistance looks silky but feels sticky. Herein this place there is no choice. I keep trying to change it but it won't change. I must let God in but I forget how to do this. This is the worst affliction. I call onto you anyway. I beg. I wait. I do not give up.
When the window cracks open and behind the curtain the light is there like the real silk I thought I saw before, I melt. I open. I breathe. I thank, thank, thank. And now I KNOW. I remember how little I know when I am alone. I ask you quietly to please not leave, although I know by now that in growth I will accidentally forget you and I forgive us both for this.
Now that I see the truth of my power and the truth of my pain, I can move on. I know that to receive the kind of life that is here, just under the surface of what I think I know, I must face what is lost FIRST. I must bear the realities I have denied. I must witness what I thought I long buried. I may be beaten down and belittled. I may be softened, hardened and softened again. I may be clay or puddy or mud to the manipulations of this reality. But I AM HERE. And I am not going anywhere. And that IS ENOUGH. This is where I begin from again on this new moon. I come to complete my own cycles of madness, manipulation and pain. I am here to be reborn. I am ready to face it, rebuild it, heal it. I will not give up, no matter what. But maybe for now, I will rest.
I will allow myself to prepare a foundation quietly and with attention to each task. I will let my heart lead and my head go. This new future where I remember myself will not be built wisely if by the old self who races to roll rocks uphill. What is not working will fall away whether I glue my hands to it or not so self sabotage and sacrifice is on me. I may not know how or when. I may not even know my own name. But I am here, I am listening and that is enough.♡